Learned Helplessness: Friend or Foe?

Often times as confident, persuasive and intriguing a person can represent,
there are often latent skills lying dormant. To uncover these precious treasures
once known as insecurities, we can begin to see what is instead of what is not.
by: Alison Leigh Siegel, MFT

In reviewing the article (below) by Ken Mcleod, I found myself presently surprised at how so easily in our society one can lose themselves in the game of trying
to catch up. I like what he has to say about it all. I especially like the relevance of this topic to my article about living consciously.
http://wwww.articlesbase.com/business-opportunities-articles/conscious-guide-to-living-without-fear-in-todays-economy-798494.html

Learned Helplessness
Conversation
I "I can't do it," he said.
"What prevents you?" I asked.
Long silence.

"Do you know how to do it?"

"Oh, yes," he replied, "but I can't."

"'Can't' or 'won't'," I asked, pushing a bit.

Another long silence.

"You don't understand," he said. "Everything you say makes sense. I understand how to do it. But I can't."

"So what prevents you?"

"A lot of different things. I mean, I was brought up to be a nice person, you know, someone who treats people decently, who doesn't push, gives people a fair deal and expects to given a fair deal in return. I can't believe what has happened. I feel totally betrayed. I feel like I'm a victim of my own naivete. I feel helpless. Yes, I understand what you've suggested and, intellectually, I understand that I can take those actions, but internally, I'm very confused. I feel I'm being violent is I say, 'No, I'm not going to accept that and here are the consequences.' But the alternatives are terrible. I don't want to give up my job and have to move. Decent people shouldn't be in this position. I feel I've done something terribly wrong, but I haven't, have I?"
Conversation II

"You're kidding?! You're not serious?" she asked.

"Yes, I'm serious. You said that you wanted to be clear and present. Being clear and present means that you serve what is true," I replied.

"But what will my family think? What about my friends? They won't understand," she said.

"Yes, there are consequences. You have to make a choice. Do you continue to live the life defined for you by others or do you act on what you know to be true?"

Both these conversations are fictional. I made them up for this article. Yet I've had many similar conversations with different students (and with myself).

The common theme is an internal pattern called "learned helplessness." Learned helplessness results from being trained to be locked into a system. The system may be a family, a community, a culture, a tradition, a profession or an institution.

Initially, a system develops for a specific purpose. But as a system evolves, it increasingly tends to organize around beliefs, perspectives, activities and taboos that serve the continuation of the system. Awareness of the original purpose fades and the system starts to function automatically. It calcifies. The beliefs, perspectives, activities and taboos shift in subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) ways, to ensure continuation. And those beliefs, perspectives, activities and taboos are trained into the people that comprise the system.

For example, the purpose of a family is to provide a nurturing environment that protects the children from the vicissitudes of the world while they are developing the physical, emotional and intellectually abilities to function on their own. Love, compassion, joy and equanimity are vital: love so that the child opens to the world; compassion so that the child learns not to fear suffering; joy so that the child feels confident in his or her own abilities; and equanimity so that the child can be free to go when he or she has matured.

All too often one or more of these aspects is distorted by the family system. Instead of love, the child experiences a demand for affection; instead of compassion, a fear of suffering; instead of joy, derision of his or her abilities; instead of equanimity, judgement.

And whenever the child says, "Hold on, there's something wrong here," the power of the family system comes into play:

"What? You don't love your mother! Shame on you."

"You can't do that, you might get hurt."

"You think you're hot stuff, huh? Let me show you a thing or two."

"You must be evil to even think that."

Similar conditioning mechanisms operate in most systems. The system uses shame and the withdrawal of attention to instill a fear of survival. Simultaneously, the system presents the view that power resides in the system, not the individual. The combination creates a dependence on the system for survival. Gradually, the system is internalized and the person identifies with it -- he sees himself the way the system sees him. His sense of who he is is defined by the system. (We see this tendency very clearly in the professions -- "I'm a doctor, so I do x, y and z" or "I'm an attorney, so I do x, y and z.")

One of the primary characteristics of learned helplessness is that the person feels passive with respect to the system. The passivity, however, is only half the story.

Whenever we are subjected to abuse, physical, emotional or spiritual, two patterns form inside us: the victim and the abuser. Our experience of being abused lays the basis for the victim pattern. Our experience of how abuse can be meted out lays the basis for the abuser pattern. Both give rise to learned helplessness, though the learned helplessness manifests differently. In the case of the abuser, learned helplessness might manifest as "Something just took over; I didn't mean to say or do that." In the case of the victim, it might manifest as "I don't know why I put up with it but I can't seem to do anything about it." In both cases, we are expressing passivity with respect to the patterns operating in us. In both cases, we are confessing helplessness.

Can learned helplessness be undone? Well, that's the big question, isn't it? The answer is "Yes." The cost, however, is high. We can only undo learned helplessness by severing our internal connection with the system that gave rise to it.

Our motivation must be clear and strong. We must really want to hear and respond to our own questions about life. We must really want to live our own life and not one prescribed by our family, society, culture, profession or tradition. Metaphorically, we must be willing to go north, the direction that takes us out of society. We must be willing to endure pain, know from direct experience, act on what we see and receive what happens. We must yearn to experience what is without relying on anything to confirm our existence.

How do we undo learned helplessness? Traditionally, three steps are described. One formulation, from martial arts, is:

Know what to do; learn the skills; remove the blocks.

We study to understand what's involved. We then adopt a discipline that trains the necessary skills so that the skills become part of us. Then we work to remove the internal blocks that prevent us from using what we know.

An alternative formulation from Buddhism is:

Recognize the problem;
Develop a practice;
Continue until the problem is gone.

The first step is to recognize that there is a problem. Then we develop a practice that brings attention to the problem and, particularly, to the patterns that underlie it. Finally, we continue that practice regardless of what arises until the problem is gone.

These are difficult instructions. When we follow them, we come up against the power of the system as it has been internalized in us. Fairy tales are full of stories about the young prince or princess going into a castle guarded by dragons, demons, sorcerers and tyrants, inadvertently waking them up by asking an inappropriate question or breaking a rule and then having to fight to find a way out. These are "no holds barred" stories, in which the prince or princess uses skill and awareness to kill the apparitions and conquer the apparently overpowering forces arrayed in opposition. And there is a cost.

When the internal identification dies, we feel as if a part of us has died, and it has. When we violate the dictum's of the system, we will feel that we are being violent, and we are. When the system dies in us, we will feel that we have killed something, and we have. We step outside consensus reality. We cease to look to the world to confirm our existence.

We come, instead, to rely on our direct experience of what arises and we act according to our observation of the needs of the moment. We may even choose to work in an institution, follow a tradition, or pursue a profession. But our choice is conscious and we knowingly accept the responsibilities and obligations that come with our chosen path.

The practice of Buddhism could be described as a way of dismantling learned helplessness. Renunciation, leaving society, and reliance on one's own experience are central themes in the life of Buddha Shakyamuni. The practice of meditation requires the willingness to stand in the face of internal material and know we are not that material and to stand in the face of death and non-existence.

The four separations that Sakya Pandita received from Manjushri point the way.

If you are attached to this life, you are not a spiritual person.

"This life" means the life defined by society and culture -- success and failure in the conventional sense. The primary practice for separating from "this life" is meditation on death and impermanence. When we know clearly we are going to die, we focus on what is truly important to us, not what we have been told is important.

If you are attached to the cycle of existence, you will not be free.

The cycle of existence (samsara) is the technical term for the whole collection of habituated patterns that confine us. As long as we are attached to any of those habituated patterns, we will never experience freedom. The primary practice for separating from such patterns is meditation on suffering and how it arises.

If you are attached to your own welfare, you are not an awakening being.

When our lives are based on protecting and defending our self-identity, we can never wake up to the totality of awareness and experience. An awakening being (bodhisattva) is one who is determined to wake up. So we have to separate from being concerned solely with our own welfare. The primary practice is taking and sending. It embodies the four immeasurables (loving kindness, compassion, joy and equanimity).

If you are attached to a position, you can't see things as they are.

When we hold anything as real, we adopt a fixed position and can only see things in terms of that position. To see things as they are, we need to remove attachment to any position, particularly the notion that "I" exist is some fundamental way. The primary practice is meditation on insight, using attention to see into the way things are.

Finally, a more succinct formulation comes from the Korean master Seung Sa Nihm:

First kill the Buddha.
Then kill your parents.
Then kill your teacher.

In other words, we remove any idea that there is an ideal such as enlightenment or buddha that is going to save us. Then we remove all the habituations that we acquired from our family. Finally, we remove even the habituations we acquire as a student. Then we can stand in awareness and serve what is true.

Mindful sex with Alison

http://www.mindfulsexwithalison.blogspot.com/

CAT got your TONGUE?

Perhaps you feel choked up, not heard or plain, just too tired to verbally reach out. So, you want to say something but you just can't. Okay, then. Follow these steps toward accelerating the vibration of your voice.

1) Use A-E-I-O- and U with different voices. Say them out loud if you can. Now, say them again, but this time, use a different voice. Perhaps someone you know or in the tone of a song you like. The main objective is to use different vocal tones to begin to listen to yourself.

2) After saying it, now take your hand and put it on your larynx. FEEL the sensation of the vibration...a-e-i-o-u. Feel silly yet? Don't. It works. Do it again until you can really feel each vowel like you are saying it for the first time. Get used to your voice. Perhaps something else will come out as well.

3) Go look in the mirror at yourself. Good. Now, do it again. I know- you may feel funny, but again, trust me. It works.

4) Write down all the feelings that went through a) your head and b) your body and don't forget to write down all the judgements, fears, anxieties too. When you are finished- look at what you wrote and then email me your thoughts, expressions. You have now completed a very awkward exercise however tap into how you feel now compared to how you felt when you started. Sure, there might not be a huge shift, but i can tell you there will be a shift even a small one counts.

How to GROUND and Center Yourself

Feeling stuck? These mindful and grounding exercises will help you be in the moment, breathe and develop a better sense of self.

1) The number one thing to do first is:
To honor yourself first. That comes before taking care of anyone else...remember, you are first! This may look or sound just like just words because so many of us hear people telling us that; however what it means for you is this: Accept where you are now, today, because it took you many years of struggling to get here. You made it here! think about that! What that means in terms of accepting this mindful and conscious state is to go ahead (i’m giving you permission) to embody that on a level that has not reached you in a while. We will do this together through our work. You will be performing the touch piece though, since i’m not there. Even if i was, you can do this on your own. You have the power to change yourself, don’t forget that.

2) Acceptance.To be more detailed, you might say, “I accept my body the way it is now. You might repeat this while lying on the couch or somewhere comfortable and putting your hand on your stomach. Breathe in with your “buddah belly” (the area just beneath your belly button allowing your belly to rise with great breath and fall with each exhalation. It might look like something like this (see video)

3) Add words. While you are breathing in big deep breaths (and make sure they are big and deep), you will say to yourself quietly or out loud, “I accept myself now”. Then after really getting this, do it more, with more words. “I accept myself now and my body as it is right now”. Then, “I accept myself now, my body now and I accept my body as a whole”. Keep doing variations of this meditation, each time adding more words, but not too many words that it clutters the mind. The point is to keep vibrating at a level of comfort for you. If you feel something in the middle of any of these affirmations, stop and rest. Your body is telling you something. Listen.

4) LISTEN AND Feel it. Next step is while you are breathing, to actually feel your breath (which is a different motion), and accept this gift you are giving to yourself on all levels of sensations. Give yourself permission to allow any emotion, sensation or feeling to arise without any judgement (from our inner critic). That means if something comes into your mind, like, “i don’t believe myself, this is not true for me, etc” is then to continue hearing that voice and then commenting inside to yourself, “Oh, that is interesting”. Allowing yourself to just notice and not judge will help that thought gets its “fill” and since you don’t give it any power, it won’t last. It will just release from you. Then, continue back to your original state of breathing in acceptance of your “whole body” and then releasing with ease (inhalation through nose, exhalation through mouth)

5) Pace yourself, go at your own pace.I want you to try this for a bit because we want you to take this process slowly. Due to the injury of the body/mind connection from the trauma, we want to control our own pace. That means that we do things with incredible detail to pace. We don’t go fast, or too slow. We only go how we want to go. We are back in control of our bodies now in this time and we need to allow for that pace.

6) Repeat. All of these points are really important, so try and do them over and over again. To repeat, find somewhere comfortable to sit/lye, and then place your hand to the part of your body (stomach now) and begin taking deep breaths. Then, feel the inhalation/exhalation and then begin your affirmation (s).

The last piece is the most crucial, which is to “see what comes up” from this. The point then, is to make allowance for the feelings that were lost/stuck in our past and now give it a new freedom point for which to take off and for which to land.


Let me know how it goes.
Much love and respect to you and your sacred body temple.

Alison Leigh Siegel, MFT
2121 26th Street #202
San Francisco, Ca 94107
http://www.justbegoodtoyourself.blogspot.com/
askalisonleigh@gmail.com
415-377-9851

Healing Affirmations/Meditations for Releasing "Stuck" emotions

There are many steps to healing ourselves and our bodies. Many people ask me, "what can i do when i'm not in session?". I love that question because it #1) shows me you are taking responsibility for your own healing which is really hard to do! So, first, congratulations! To begin with : i will explain some small steps you can do at home or own your own time when you feel "stuck" and really just need to feel yourself, calm down, or get in touch with your emotions.

#1) HONOR yourself and your process FIRST . That comes before taking care of anyone else...remember, you are first! This may look or sound just like just words because so many of us hear people telling us that; however what it means for you is this: Accept where you are now, today, because it took you many years of struggling to get here. You made it here! think about that! What that means in terms of accepting this mindful and conscious state is to go ahead (i’m giving you permission) to embody that on a level that has not reached you in a while. We will do this together through our work. You will be performing the touch piece though, since i’m not there. Even if i was, you can do this on your own. You have the power to change yourself, don’t forget that.

2) Acceptance.To be more detailed, you might say, “I accept my body the way it is now. You might repeat this while lying on the couch or somewhere comfortable and putting your hand on your stomach. Breathe in with your “buddah belly” (the area just beneath your belly button allowing your belly to rise with great breath and fall with each exhalation. It might look like something like this (insert picture, video, etc).

3) Add words. While you are breathing in big deep breaths (and make sure they are big and deep), you will say to yourself quietly or out loud, “I accept myself now”. Then after really getting this, do it more, with more words. “I accept myself now and my body as it is right now”. Then, “I accept myself now, my body now and I accept my body as a whole”. Keep doing variations of this meditation, each time adding more words, but not too many words that it clutters the mind. The point is to keep vibrating at a level of comfort for you. If you feel something in the middle of any of these affirmations, stop and rest. Your body is telling you something. Listen.

4) Feel it. Next step is while you are breathing, to actually feel your breath (which is a different motion), and accept this gift you are giving to yourself on all levels of sensations. Give yourself permission to allow any emotion, sensation or feeling to arise without any judgement (from our inner critic). That means if something comes into your mind, like, “i don’t believe myself, this is not true for me, etc” is then to continue hearing that voice and then commenting inside to yourself, “Oh, that is interesting”. Allowing yourself to just notice and not judge will help that thought gets its “fill” and since you don’t give it any power, it won’t last. It will just release from you. Then, continue back to your original state of breathing in acceptance of your “whole body” and then releasing with ease (inhalation through nose, exhalation through mouth)

5) Pace yourself, go at your own pace.I want you to try this for a bit because we want you to take this process slowly. Due to the injury of the body/mind connection from the trauma, we want to control our own pace. That means that we do things with incredible detail to pace. We don’t go fast, or too slow. We only go how we want to go. We are back in control of our bodies now in this time and we need to allow for that pace.

6) Repeat. All of these points are really important, so try and do them over and over again. To repeat, find somewhere comfortable to sit/lye, and then place your hand to the part of your body (stomach now) and begin taking deep breaths. Then, feel the inhalation/exhalation and then begin your affirmation (s).

The last piece is the most crucial, which is to “see what comes up” from this. The point then, is to make allowance for the feelings that were lost/stuck in our past and now give it a new freedom point for which to take off and for which to land.


Let me know how it goes.
Much love and respect to you and your sacred body temple.

Alison Leigh Siegel, MFT
2121 26th Street #202
San Francisco, Ca 94107
http://www.justbegoodtoyourself.blogspot.com/
askalisonleigh@gmail.com
415-377-9851
http://www.alisonleigh.net/

5 ways to destress during work or at home:

1) Use your 5 senses:
a) SIGHT: Use your eyes: The sense of sight helps us recognize each other and learn about color, motion and distance.what do you see around you? Navigate your playing field, or relaxation field by tuning into your eyes, your sight, your vision. If that was all you had right now, what would you see? Take inventory on these things around you. Breathe in deeply and with an allowance to letting go...count in three breathes, and then let go visualizing these or one of the colors you choose. Do it again increasing both the frequency of color and the intensity. (photo by:Joe Tilson
Transparency, the Five Senses: Taste 1969 )
b) HEAR/LISTEN: Use your ears: The sense of hearing helps us learn from each other through communication. listen closely to all around you. Feel it in your body if you can. What do you hear? Can you listen closely to your breathe? can you hear your heartbeat? Can you hear yourself in your own silence? What comes up for you when you LISTEN?
c) SMELL: The sense of smell helps us to enhance our fruitful experiences and helps us detect potential risks.Nose: Smell and take note in what you sense through your nose. Is is sweet, succulent? Take a big inhalation, breathe out in counts of five. Use your body to really feel into that motion of sensing with your nose and embody the rhythm of this movement. Repeat.
d) TOUCH/FEEL: he sense of touch helps us learn about our world by feeling it and learning the size, texture and shape of things.try and listen with your whole body. what sensations do you feel? Can you feel the warmth of your skin? Can you feel the air blowing in your hair? go ahead and inhale with full breath and then allow yourself a deep and relaxing exhale. Don't hurry. It feels better when slowing down.
e) TASTE: Taste helps us determine what we like to eat. This is one of many favorites. It's not only how it tastes, but what does it taste like? compare your tastes to that of other tastes. Can taste also be felt? Seen? Go ahead and use your other senses to enhance your sense of taste. Inhale mindfully, being present with every breath, and then slowly eat or chew your food. Slow food...it's where it is at.

© 1998 - 2009 Mindfulmeditations/askalisonleigh - All Rights Reserved.

Moving mindfully and gracefully...

If you are sitting right now..get up and move. I don't care where or how, just do it! You'll see your perspectives are always changing depending on where and how you move. Sit up, stand up, get up and move!

http://movingmindfulness.blogspot.com/

Practice loving kindness for YOURSELF and random thoughts

Be grateful you are here. Think of the alternative. Say thank you five times outloud. It multiplies and you will receive even more. it really works.

Bathe...breathe....and relax. take a bath. smell a vanilla candle. do something gooey for yourself. rub lotion all over and feel good! Do it right in the middle of the day. don't wait for your hub/wife or SO to help. do it yourself!stop reading this and go eat cake. (:


http://www.linkedin.com/pub/alison-leigh-siegel-mft/b/2b/b2b

Migraine got you?

I have suffered for an entire decade from migraines, but here is a holistic tip for those who need to "get back to work"...
1) Take a small nap if you can...it works wonders
2) Massage your temples, lay down and breathe!
3) From a metaphysical perspective the "third" eye is "blocked" during a migraine which may mean numerous things. Louise Hay describes this area of tension as "invalidating the self"...ask yourself, have you said anything nice to yourself today? If not, try.
http://www.louisehay.com/

Just Be Therapy and Healing Lounge
2121 26th Street #202
San Francisco, Ca 94107
askalisonleigh@gmail.com
"she'll tell ya!"

Mrs. Bubble makes her own ...

Another way we can be good to ourselves is to bathe. Use your senses. Begin with your favorite body shampoo and fill the tub with warm bubbles and begin to melt your body into the heated water. Gently begin by taking deep breathes in and out until you can really feel yourself floating. Imagine yourself in a safe, beautiful space, alone or with your mate, and smell the air, feel your skin and allow your breathe to continue to flow until you feel deeply relaxed. "A picture is worth 1000 words, but a bath doesn't need any but a long deep sigh" alison leigh, pretend poet

3 effective self massage techniques

For PMS, Body blues and just deep relaxation

1) check out acupressure points: good guide
http://www.acupressureonline.org/iPMS.htm
for PMS and other femalecentric ideas.
2) Take a deep breath and hold it for 5 seconds, on the exhale, press between your index finger and your thumb and let out an "ahhhhh"...
3) Take your hand, clasp your neck from behind and squeeze the muscles to release tension. You should feel this all over your body.

COMING SOON: alison leigh will be demonstrating these techniques on UTUBE.
check back in July for more details.
askalisonleigh@gmail.com
http://movingmindfulness.blogspot.com/

Massage, Mindfulness, and the way of the warrior princess

To be pink, is to be proud. To be free is also a proud expression of love in the community of healers on this planet working feverishly to produce new ways of integrating movement, dance and the arts into creative expression for healing women all over the world.

think globally act locally...and we do.
Do you have a gal/women friend who you know is doing great things for herself and then turning that into more empowerment for others?
Send me some links and i'll include these women and their efforts on this blog.
http://justbegoodtoyourself.blogspot.com/
http://movingmindfulness.blogspot.com/

don't forget to check out the MESSY GIRLS CLUB of San Francisco
will be holding their first launch party on June 28th, 2009
at
Just Be Therapy and Healing Lounge
2121 26th Street #202
San Francisco, Ca 94107
http://www.yelp.com/biz/alison-leigh-siegel-mft-san-francisco-2

Sexual Trauma transposed using Integrative Medicine

To offer intellectual solutions for women (and men) whom have had their bodies (and minds) altered, drugged, and sacrificed would be just another western medicinal attempt at fixing the problem to rape, cruelty and incest. Western tactics and medical science view the body as not a whole entity, but pieces to be "fixed". The attempt at fixing each part is completely contrary to what integrative medicine is trying to solve. Coming from a somatic perspective, we treat the whole body/mind as one entity. That means that if someone comes to us for help, we look at all cause and effects of the human experience at large.

To be more detailed, treating someone of rape doesn't fit into a medicinal body of pills, but rather in movement and creative somatic expression. Take Elayne Doghy, MFT of http://brightbeautifulwomen.blogspot.com/ whom is helping Congolese women "move through" their trauma. The same can be said by using mindful practices in every day life. http://movingmindfulness.blogspot.com/
For more information on somatics, somatic psychotherapy, mindfulness, contact
askalisonleigh@gmail.com or elayne_doughty@hotmail.com

women with rage

As it is so profoundly seen, witnessed and experienced by so many people for whom i work with, my dear friends Elayne and Sylvia are currently sharing their time learning and helping the Congolese women in Africa who have also suffered great sexual abuse in their lifetime. They are exploring their past and present and how their political and sexual torture has affected them on all levels, physical, mental and emotional. As this has become a common experience in their culture and as stated by Elayne , "a norm in their society", i am deeply saddened by the effect it has left on women all over the world including the special women i work with here in San Francisco. Everyone whether male or female are affected by the sexual cruelty of inhumane rape, crisis, and molestation at one point in their lives or another. Question is, what can we do now? Being a survivor myself, what i know about this is that one of the most important things about using the rage and anger is to be 1) in touch with it and 2) be aware that it is stronger than you might think. Being "in touch", however is so difficult because the body and mind protect ourselves so we can "survive". This issue of survival is something i am talking more about these days and will be writing about in blogs to come. The point is, that the residual effect of trauma is that it can become locked in the cellular structure of the body, thus compromising it of its natural and flowing resources.


When this happens, (also called "stagnation, or stagnant chi") a women's (or man's) body is thus suspended in time and basically "frozen", as if they resemble a deer in headlights. Yes, you might not be able to tell from afar but we all have some trauma held back in our bodies and working with that is one of the most important and least covered rituals in our society. Due to this increase in awareness in consciousness around trauma held in the body and the necessity of it to be released comes a new wave of bodymind techniques that offer somatic expressions. These kind of mind/body works were developed years ago but are now gaining more popularity among trauma survivors each day. Some of the work you may find out there is called, "somatic psychotherapy", "dance and movement psychotherapy", "mind/body therapy", "emotional release bodywork". More on this later...

How? Lesson One

1) Trust yourself first
2) Take a strong honest look inside of yourself and in the mirror
3) Take note on what are the differences between the two.
4) Distinguish between "objectivity" (what others say about you) and "subjectivity", (what you say to yourself)
5) Take a moral and ethical inventory of yourself now
6) Take a moral and ethical inventory of yourself in the past.
7) Report back to me
askalisonleigh@gmail.com
"It's where you find yourself"

Lessons on "how to be good to yourself

http://alisonleighmft.wordpress.com/