Learned Helplessness: Friend or Foe?

Often times as confident, persuasive and intriguing a person can represent,
there are often latent skills lying dormant. To uncover these precious treasures
once known as insecurities, we can begin to see what is instead of what is not.
by: Alison Leigh Siegel, MFT

In reviewing the article (below) by Ken Mcleod, I found myself presently surprised at how so easily in our society one can lose themselves in the game of trying
to catch up. I like what he has to say about it all. I especially like the relevance of this topic to my article about living consciously.
http://wwww.articlesbase.com/business-opportunities-articles/conscious-guide-to-living-without-fear-in-todays-economy-798494.html

Learned Helplessness
Conversation
I "I can't do it," he said.
"What prevents you?" I asked.
Long silence.

"Do you know how to do it?"

"Oh, yes," he replied, "but I can't."

"'Can't' or 'won't'," I asked, pushing a bit.

Another long silence.

"You don't understand," he said. "Everything you say makes sense. I understand how to do it. But I can't."

"So what prevents you?"

"A lot of different things. I mean, I was brought up to be a nice person, you know, someone who treats people decently, who doesn't push, gives people a fair deal and expects to given a fair deal in return. I can't believe what has happened. I feel totally betrayed. I feel like I'm a victim of my own naivete. I feel helpless. Yes, I understand what you've suggested and, intellectually, I understand that I can take those actions, but internally, I'm very confused. I feel I'm being violent is I say, 'No, I'm not going to accept that and here are the consequences.' But the alternatives are terrible. I don't want to give up my job and have to move. Decent people shouldn't be in this position. I feel I've done something terribly wrong, but I haven't, have I?"
Conversation II

"You're kidding?! You're not serious?" she asked.

"Yes, I'm serious. You said that you wanted to be clear and present. Being clear and present means that you serve what is true," I replied.

"But what will my family think? What about my friends? They won't understand," she said.

"Yes, there are consequences. You have to make a choice. Do you continue to live the life defined for you by others or do you act on what you know to be true?"

Both these conversations are fictional. I made them up for this article. Yet I've had many similar conversations with different students (and with myself).

The common theme is an internal pattern called "learned helplessness." Learned helplessness results from being trained to be locked into a system. The system may be a family, a community, a culture, a tradition, a profession or an institution.

Initially, a system develops for a specific purpose. But as a system evolves, it increasingly tends to organize around beliefs, perspectives, activities and taboos that serve the continuation of the system. Awareness of the original purpose fades and the system starts to function automatically. It calcifies. The beliefs, perspectives, activities and taboos shift in subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) ways, to ensure continuation. And those beliefs, perspectives, activities and taboos are trained into the people that comprise the system.

For example, the purpose of a family is to provide a nurturing environment that protects the children from the vicissitudes of the world while they are developing the physical, emotional and intellectually abilities to function on their own. Love, compassion, joy and equanimity are vital: love so that the child opens to the world; compassion so that the child learns not to fear suffering; joy so that the child feels confident in his or her own abilities; and equanimity so that the child can be free to go when he or she has matured.

All too often one or more of these aspects is distorted by the family system. Instead of love, the child experiences a demand for affection; instead of compassion, a fear of suffering; instead of joy, derision of his or her abilities; instead of equanimity, judgement.

And whenever the child says, "Hold on, there's something wrong here," the power of the family system comes into play:

"What? You don't love your mother! Shame on you."

"You can't do that, you might get hurt."

"You think you're hot stuff, huh? Let me show you a thing or two."

"You must be evil to even think that."

Similar conditioning mechanisms operate in most systems. The system uses shame and the withdrawal of attention to instill a fear of survival. Simultaneously, the system presents the view that power resides in the system, not the individual. The combination creates a dependence on the system for survival. Gradually, the system is internalized and the person identifies with it -- he sees himself the way the system sees him. His sense of who he is is defined by the system. (We see this tendency very clearly in the professions -- "I'm a doctor, so I do x, y and z" or "I'm an attorney, so I do x, y and z.")

One of the primary characteristics of learned helplessness is that the person feels passive with respect to the system. The passivity, however, is only half the story.

Whenever we are subjected to abuse, physical, emotional or spiritual, two patterns form inside us: the victim and the abuser. Our experience of being abused lays the basis for the victim pattern. Our experience of how abuse can be meted out lays the basis for the abuser pattern. Both give rise to learned helplessness, though the learned helplessness manifests differently. In the case of the abuser, learned helplessness might manifest as "Something just took over; I didn't mean to say or do that." In the case of the victim, it might manifest as "I don't know why I put up with it but I can't seem to do anything about it." In both cases, we are expressing passivity with respect to the patterns operating in us. In both cases, we are confessing helplessness.

Can learned helplessness be undone? Well, that's the big question, isn't it? The answer is "Yes." The cost, however, is high. We can only undo learned helplessness by severing our internal connection with the system that gave rise to it.

Our motivation must be clear and strong. We must really want to hear and respond to our own questions about life. We must really want to live our own life and not one prescribed by our family, society, culture, profession or tradition. Metaphorically, we must be willing to go north, the direction that takes us out of society. We must be willing to endure pain, know from direct experience, act on what we see and receive what happens. We must yearn to experience what is without relying on anything to confirm our existence.

How do we undo learned helplessness? Traditionally, three steps are described. One formulation, from martial arts, is:

Know what to do; learn the skills; remove the blocks.

We study to understand what's involved. We then adopt a discipline that trains the necessary skills so that the skills become part of us. Then we work to remove the internal blocks that prevent us from using what we know.

An alternative formulation from Buddhism is:

Recognize the problem;
Develop a practice;
Continue until the problem is gone.

The first step is to recognize that there is a problem. Then we develop a practice that brings attention to the problem and, particularly, to the patterns that underlie it. Finally, we continue that practice regardless of what arises until the problem is gone.

These are difficult instructions. When we follow them, we come up against the power of the system as it has been internalized in us. Fairy tales are full of stories about the young prince or princess going into a castle guarded by dragons, demons, sorcerers and tyrants, inadvertently waking them up by asking an inappropriate question or breaking a rule and then having to fight to find a way out. These are "no holds barred" stories, in which the prince or princess uses skill and awareness to kill the apparitions and conquer the apparently overpowering forces arrayed in opposition. And there is a cost.

When the internal identification dies, we feel as if a part of us has died, and it has. When we violate the dictum's of the system, we will feel that we are being violent, and we are. When the system dies in us, we will feel that we have killed something, and we have. We step outside consensus reality. We cease to look to the world to confirm our existence.

We come, instead, to rely on our direct experience of what arises and we act according to our observation of the needs of the moment. We may even choose to work in an institution, follow a tradition, or pursue a profession. But our choice is conscious and we knowingly accept the responsibilities and obligations that come with our chosen path.

The practice of Buddhism could be described as a way of dismantling learned helplessness. Renunciation, leaving society, and reliance on one's own experience are central themes in the life of Buddha Shakyamuni. The practice of meditation requires the willingness to stand in the face of internal material and know we are not that material and to stand in the face of death and non-existence.

The four separations that Sakya Pandita received from Manjushri point the way.

If you are attached to this life, you are not a spiritual person.

"This life" means the life defined by society and culture -- success and failure in the conventional sense. The primary practice for separating from "this life" is meditation on death and impermanence. When we know clearly we are going to die, we focus on what is truly important to us, not what we have been told is important.

If you are attached to the cycle of existence, you will not be free.

The cycle of existence (samsara) is the technical term for the whole collection of habituated patterns that confine us. As long as we are attached to any of those habituated patterns, we will never experience freedom. The primary practice for separating from such patterns is meditation on suffering and how it arises.

If you are attached to your own welfare, you are not an awakening being.

When our lives are based on protecting and defending our self-identity, we can never wake up to the totality of awareness and experience. An awakening being (bodhisattva) is one who is determined to wake up. So we have to separate from being concerned solely with our own welfare. The primary practice is taking and sending. It embodies the four immeasurables (loving kindness, compassion, joy and equanimity).

If you are attached to a position, you can't see things as they are.

When we hold anything as real, we adopt a fixed position and can only see things in terms of that position. To see things as they are, we need to remove attachment to any position, particularly the notion that "I" exist is some fundamental way. The primary practice is meditation on insight, using attention to see into the way things are.

Finally, a more succinct formulation comes from the Korean master Seung Sa Nihm:

First kill the Buddha.
Then kill your parents.
Then kill your teacher.

In other words, we remove any idea that there is an ideal such as enlightenment or buddha that is going to save us. Then we remove all the habituations that we acquired from our family. Finally, we remove even the habituations we acquire as a student. Then we can stand in awareness and serve what is true.

Mindful sex with Alison

http://www.mindfulsexwithalison.blogspot.com/

CAT got your TONGUE?

Perhaps you feel choked up, not heard or plain, just too tired to verbally reach out. So, you want to say something but you just can't. Okay, then. Follow these steps toward accelerating the vibration of your voice.

1) Use A-E-I-O- and U with different voices. Say them out loud if you can. Now, say them again, but this time, use a different voice. Perhaps someone you know or in the tone of a song you like. The main objective is to use different vocal tones to begin to listen to yourself.

2) After saying it, now take your hand and put it on your larynx. FEEL the sensation of the vibration...a-e-i-o-u. Feel silly yet? Don't. It works. Do it again until you can really feel each vowel like you are saying it for the first time. Get used to your voice. Perhaps something else will come out as well.

3) Go look in the mirror at yourself. Good. Now, do it again. I know- you may feel funny, but again, trust me. It works.

4) Write down all the feelings that went through a) your head and b) your body and don't forget to write down all the judgements, fears, anxieties too. When you are finished- look at what you wrote and then email me your thoughts, expressions. You have now completed a very awkward exercise however tap into how you feel now compared to how you felt when you started. Sure, there might not be a huge shift, but i can tell you there will be a shift even a small one counts.

How to GROUND and Center Yourself

Feeling stuck? These mindful and grounding exercises will help you be in the moment, breathe and develop a better sense of self.

1) The number one thing to do first is:
To honor yourself first. That comes before taking care of anyone else...remember, you are first! This may look or sound just like just words because so many of us hear people telling us that; however what it means for you is this: Accept where you are now, today, because it took you many years of struggling to get here. You made it here! think about that! What that means in terms of accepting this mindful and conscious state is to go ahead (i’m giving you permission) to embody that on a level that has not reached you in a while. We will do this together through our work. You will be performing the touch piece though, since i’m not there. Even if i was, you can do this on your own. You have the power to change yourself, don’t forget that.

2) Acceptance.To be more detailed, you might say, “I accept my body the way it is now. You might repeat this while lying on the couch or somewhere comfortable and putting your hand on your stomach. Breathe in with your “buddah belly” (the area just beneath your belly button allowing your belly to rise with great breath and fall with each exhalation. It might look like something like this (see video)

3) Add words. While you are breathing in big deep breaths (and make sure they are big and deep), you will say to yourself quietly or out loud, “I accept myself now”. Then after really getting this, do it more, with more words. “I accept myself now and my body as it is right now”. Then, “I accept myself now, my body now and I accept my body as a whole”. Keep doing variations of this meditation, each time adding more words, but not too many words that it clutters the mind. The point is to keep vibrating at a level of comfort for you. If you feel something in the middle of any of these affirmations, stop and rest. Your body is telling you something. Listen.

4) LISTEN AND Feel it. Next step is while you are breathing, to actually feel your breath (which is a different motion), and accept this gift you are giving to yourself on all levels of sensations. Give yourself permission to allow any emotion, sensation or feeling to arise without any judgement (from our inner critic). That means if something comes into your mind, like, “i don’t believe myself, this is not true for me, etc” is then to continue hearing that voice and then commenting inside to yourself, “Oh, that is interesting”. Allowing yourself to just notice and not judge will help that thought gets its “fill” and since you don’t give it any power, it won’t last. It will just release from you. Then, continue back to your original state of breathing in acceptance of your “whole body” and then releasing with ease (inhalation through nose, exhalation through mouth)

5) Pace yourself, go at your own pace.I want you to try this for a bit because we want you to take this process slowly. Due to the injury of the body/mind connection from the trauma, we want to control our own pace. That means that we do things with incredible detail to pace. We don’t go fast, or too slow. We only go how we want to go. We are back in control of our bodies now in this time and we need to allow for that pace.

6) Repeat. All of these points are really important, so try and do them over and over again. To repeat, find somewhere comfortable to sit/lye, and then place your hand to the part of your body (stomach now) and begin taking deep breaths. Then, feel the inhalation/exhalation and then begin your affirmation (s).

The last piece is the most crucial, which is to “see what comes up” from this. The point then, is to make allowance for the feelings that were lost/stuck in our past and now give it a new freedom point for which to take off and for which to land.


Let me know how it goes.
Much love and respect to you and your sacred body temple.

Alison Leigh Siegel, MFT
2121 26th Street #202
San Francisco, Ca 94107
http://www.justbegoodtoyourself.blogspot.com/
askalisonleigh@gmail.com
415-377-9851

Healing Affirmations/Meditations for Releasing "Stuck" emotions

There are many steps to healing ourselves and our bodies. Many people ask me, "what can i do when i'm not in session?". I love that question because it #1) shows me you are taking responsibility for your own healing which is really hard to do! So, first, congratulations! To begin with : i will explain some small steps you can do at home or own your own time when you feel "stuck" and really just need to feel yourself, calm down, or get in touch with your emotions.

#1) HONOR yourself and your process FIRST . That comes before taking care of anyone else...remember, you are first! This may look or sound just like just words because so many of us hear people telling us that; however what it means for you is this: Accept where you are now, today, because it took you many years of struggling to get here. You made it here! think about that! What that means in terms of accepting this mindful and conscious state is to go ahead (i’m giving you permission) to embody that on a level that has not reached you in a while. We will do this together through our work. You will be performing the touch piece though, since i’m not there. Even if i was, you can do this on your own. You have the power to change yourself, don’t forget that.

2) Acceptance.To be more detailed, you might say, “I accept my body the way it is now. You might repeat this while lying on the couch or somewhere comfortable and putting your hand on your stomach. Breathe in with your “buddah belly” (the area just beneath your belly button allowing your belly to rise with great breath and fall with each exhalation. It might look like something like this (insert picture, video, etc).

3) Add words. While you are breathing in big deep breaths (and make sure they are big and deep), you will say to yourself quietly or out loud, “I accept myself now”. Then after really getting this, do it more, with more words. “I accept myself now and my body as it is right now”. Then, “I accept myself now, my body now and I accept my body as a whole”. Keep doing variations of this meditation, each time adding more words, but not too many words that it clutters the mind. The point is to keep vibrating at a level of comfort for you. If you feel something in the middle of any of these affirmations, stop and rest. Your body is telling you something. Listen.

4) Feel it. Next step is while you are breathing, to actually feel your breath (which is a different motion), and accept this gift you are giving to yourself on all levels of sensations. Give yourself permission to allow any emotion, sensation or feeling to arise without any judgement (from our inner critic). That means if something comes into your mind, like, “i don’t believe myself, this is not true for me, etc” is then to continue hearing that voice and then commenting inside to yourself, “Oh, that is interesting”. Allowing yourself to just notice and not judge will help that thought gets its “fill” and since you don’t give it any power, it won’t last. It will just release from you. Then, continue back to your original state of breathing in acceptance of your “whole body” and then releasing with ease (inhalation through nose, exhalation through mouth)

5) Pace yourself, go at your own pace.I want you to try this for a bit because we want you to take this process slowly. Due to the injury of the body/mind connection from the trauma, we want to control our own pace. That means that we do things with incredible detail to pace. We don’t go fast, or too slow. We only go how we want to go. We are back in control of our bodies now in this time and we need to allow for that pace.

6) Repeat. All of these points are really important, so try and do them over and over again. To repeat, find somewhere comfortable to sit/lye, and then place your hand to the part of your body (stomach now) and begin taking deep breaths. Then, feel the inhalation/exhalation and then begin your affirmation (s).

The last piece is the most crucial, which is to “see what comes up” from this. The point then, is to make allowance for the feelings that were lost/stuck in our past and now give it a new freedom point for which to take off and for which to land.


Let me know how it goes.
Much love and respect to you and your sacred body temple.

Alison Leigh Siegel, MFT
2121 26th Street #202
San Francisco, Ca 94107
http://www.justbegoodtoyourself.blogspot.com/
askalisonleigh@gmail.com
415-377-9851
http://www.alisonleigh.net/

5 ways to destress during work or at home:

1) Use your 5 senses:
a) SIGHT: Use your eyes: The sense of sight helps us recognize each other and learn about color, motion and distance.what do you see around you? Navigate your playing field, or relaxation field by tuning into your eyes, your sight, your vision. If that was all you had right now, what would you see? Take inventory on these things around you. Breathe in deeply and with an allowance to letting go...count in three breathes, and then let go visualizing these or one of the colors you choose. Do it again increasing both the frequency of color and the intensity. (photo by:Joe Tilson
Transparency, the Five Senses: Taste 1969 )
b) HEAR/LISTEN: Use your ears: The sense of hearing helps us learn from each other through communication. listen closely to all around you. Feel it in your body if you can. What do you hear? Can you listen closely to your breathe? can you hear your heartbeat? Can you hear yourself in your own silence? What comes up for you when you LISTEN?
c) SMELL: The sense of smell helps us to enhance our fruitful experiences and helps us detect potential risks.Nose: Smell and take note in what you sense through your nose. Is is sweet, succulent? Take a big inhalation, breathe out in counts of five. Use your body to really feel into that motion of sensing with your nose and embody the rhythm of this movement. Repeat.
d) TOUCH/FEEL: he sense of touch helps us learn about our world by feeling it and learning the size, texture and shape of things.try and listen with your whole body. what sensations do you feel? Can you feel the warmth of your skin? Can you feel the air blowing in your hair? go ahead and inhale with full breath and then allow yourself a deep and relaxing exhale. Don't hurry. It feels better when slowing down.
e) TASTE: Taste helps us determine what we like to eat. This is one of many favorites. It's not only how it tastes, but what does it taste like? compare your tastes to that of other tastes. Can taste also be felt? Seen? Go ahead and use your other senses to enhance your sense of taste. Inhale mindfully, being present with every breath, and then slowly eat or chew your food. Slow food...it's where it is at.

© 1998 - 2009 Mindfulmeditations/askalisonleigh - All Rights Reserved.

Moving mindfully and gracefully...

If you are sitting right now..get up and move. I don't care where or how, just do it! You'll see your perspectives are always changing depending on where and how you move. Sit up, stand up, get up and move!

http://movingmindfulness.blogspot.com/